- Finished the second year of law school. Law school is a place with the weeping and gnashing of teeth, literally. Somewhat like this other place I know, though figuratively (I think?). I wish it upon my worst enemies, their children, and their children’s children.
- Got an A in a class I wholeheartedly, sincerely, and fearfully expected to get a B- in. Law school grading remains a confusing mystery, the functioning of which is too difficult for my feeble mind to grasp. The mystery is similar to criticizing art or poetry. Supposedly there is a right answer, a correct opinion, but to me it’s all just mumble jumble, and sometimes the nonsense I spew out happens to be correct.
- The process of obtaining employment is a bit like a monkey jumping through hoops. And more hoops, and more hoops, and more hoops… and more hoops. Some hoops are singed with fire, others comically small.
Can a monkey retain any sense of dignity after all these tricks?
- I’ve decided that my general understanding of justice is correct: that justice is an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Justice is vengeance, justice is retribution, justice is dulling out a sufficient amount of punishment. Justice is not restorative, justice is not merciful, justice is not forgiving.
Don’t confuse justice with finer ideals: grace, forgiveness, mercy, etc.
- “A thing of beauty if a joy forever.”
- It is possible to lose motivation. I speak not merely of the motivation to achieve one goal, but the motivation to achieve at all. Most of my adult life I’ve thought ambition a wicked impulse, something I struggled to suffocate and stifle. Yet now that I am riddled with apathy, I realize that ambition, if bridled by God and focused for God, is a gift from God.
- When I was a college freshman, I often prayed, perhaps even daily, that God would help me root my identity in Him, in what He thinks of me, in what He has done. Eventually I stopped offering this prayer, because after months and years, despite hope and discipline, I still felt very much that my identity was rooted in accomplishments and praise. I decided, at last, that such a prayer was simply too vague and nebulous, that its practical effect would be impossible to actually experience.
I knew, though, that man would be truly freed when he finds his identity thus, but decided that God was unwilling to give such a freedom, or that it is simply impossible for man to reach such a freedom. A man who thinks not of what the world cares for, but knows deeply and passionately that God has accepted him… freedom indeed! But who can actually become such a man?
Nowadays, I am failing, failing in many things I once held pride in. I can no longer lift a ton of weight. My grades are mediocre. I am seemingly unemployable. I am very well acquainted with rejection.
Failure is distasteful, yet in my failure I feel like I am finally breaking the shackles of opinion and achievement. Perhaps God is answering the prayers of my youth. Perhaps God knows that some lessons - the most important lessons - can only be learned the hard way.